Attention hipsters

The great thing about having a blog is that I can rant as much as I want when I want and where I want (assuming it's close to a computer). I invoke this privilege today to recount my commuting experience this morning and to issue advice to all those tragically hip New Yorkers who cross my path.

I normally don't leave the confines of the N train during the morning rush until my appointed stop, but this morning, in an effort to shop at Trader Joe's before the hoards descended upon it, I hopped off the train at Union Square just after 9:00 AM.

Union Square, where the yellow trains, green trains and grey L train converge, is a mad house at any time of day and is especially intimidating at 9:00 AM when all the people with "serious jobs" have been at work for an hour or more and those left commuting are the aimless, oblivious commuters who don't have to be at work till 9:30 or 10:00. (Apologies to those diligent commuters with flexible schedules for lumping you into the latter category.)

It was in this setting that I encountered my first tragic hipster of the day. I more wove around him than encountered him, really, seeing as how he was WANDERING AIMLESSLY ON THE SUBWAY PLATFORM! Come on! You're in the subway station, that implies intent to RIDE A SUBWAY TRAIN. You've got the express to your right, the local to the left, JUST PICK ONE AND GET OUT OF MY F***ING WAY!

Of course I said none of this, being the gentile southern lady I am (heh). I just grumbled about f***ing hipsters and went on my way. But thinking back on this guy I'm really bugged by the pervasive trait that all the tragic hipsters seem to share: those enormous f***ing aviator sunglasses. Have you noticed that irrespective of weather, temperature, and most annoyingly, location, the aviators are always donned, the hair is always shaggy and those retarded looking military hats are always on their heads (except when replaced by the equally annoying newsboy hats).

Maybe that's why this poor kid was wandering aimlessly on the Union Square platform, he couldn't see through his hip yet impractical sunglasses to determine which train he should get on. Was that it? Or was it that he had the sunglasses on to hide his bloodshot eyes from the harsh neon lights of the subway platform?

Either way, hipsters of New York, let's be practical. You don't live in Miami, LA, San Tropez or any of the other well-lit destinations that might necessitate consistent wearing of aviator sunglasses. You live in New York City where 7 million people miraculously manage to live together without doing each other serious bodily harm (at least not on a regular basis). And you, hip though you are, must do your part to maintain this ecosystem.

So while I realize that you take a great deal of pride in your appearance and have invested heavily in your plaid and corduroy wardrobe, please think for a moment about how your utter oblivion to the world around you may piss off those of us who are not quite as hip as you.

And take off your sunglasses inside for f**k's sake.

Thanks to The Fed, Columbia's subversive newspaper, for the hipster guide. It's worth looking at the full size picture here.

City Slalom

Monday's I Can't Believe It's Science discussed a few recent "science-ish" articles including one by Richard Wiseman, a University of Hertfordshire psychologist, that found world-wide walking speeds have increased since the last such study in 1997.

I have no trouble believing that in our increasingly 24/7 society, where we're multitasking and trying to be in 3 places at once ,we've picked up the pace and are getting there faster than we did just 10 years ago. After all, 10 years ago, cell phones were big clunky things, blackberries were fruit that you ate and email was only good for sending around unix-based lewd jokes, or that 's what it was used for at my college at least... I feel so old.

The part of the article that surprised me was that New York City was only the 6th fastest city in the world. Working in midtown I think that we're fairly fast walkers, especially in the Rockefeller Concourse... if you're not careful you'll get flattened by some snooty-looking ad executive wearing 4 inch heels and through some miracle of biomechanics power walking to get to where ever ad executives have to go.

So although I was first surprised that Singapore (really? Singapore? Maybe they really are an Asian Tiger force to be reckoned with like The Economist says... those fast walking Singhs) had garnered first place, I soon recalled that not all those who walk in New York are (a) New Yorkers and (b) fast walkers.

To address these annoyingly slow walkers, Time Out New York, the obsessive guide to compulsive entertainment, took matters into their own hands. Dressing up like oversexed meter maids, they handed out tickets to individuals guilty of the following infractions:

• Walking too slowly in a crowded area
• Stopping in an inconvenient place
• Blocking pedestrian traffic by walking side by side in a group of three or more
• Irritating use of cell phone
• Stopping at the top of the stairs in a subway station (Great quote from the article: "Where is Wooster? Hint: not at the top of the stairs")
• Other (I think this category could be extended to the tourists who sling their H&M bags willy-nilly and who are generally recipients of the evil sidewalk eye*)

It seems clear to me that in order to be contenders for 2017's award for fastest walking city, New Yorkers are going to have to get serious about enforcement of the afore mentioned moving (or failure to move) violations. You can download your own spiffy citations like the one pictured at the link above. So get out there and show those annoying foot draggers that we won't stand for their leisurely strolls down 5th Avenue, or any other avenue!

*see evil subway eye

Always Pee Where You Pay

Today's Science Times (A Simple Need, All Too Often Unmet) once again delivers helpful advice to us big apple dwellers. For the author, Jane Brody, and many other New Yorkers have often found themselves in need of a restroom at an inconvenient time or in an inconvenient place, this article is truly a public service.

The article also reminded me of wise words my aunt, a long time resident of Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn, gave me during my early visits to New York: "Always pee where you pay." Brody lists a smattering of likely venues for public toilets in New York, but neglects to encourage paying customers to linger for an extra 2 minutes that can mean the difference between comfort and urgency. My aunt, on the other hand, would encourage us to "just try" to pee before leaving whatever eating establishment, museum or shop where money had exchanged hands. It's a handy phrase that I consider to be some of the best life advice I've ever received.

The most cruel and discouraging time to really have to pee, though, might be on a weekend afternoon whilst touring the city's finer drinking establishments. Then one must not only consider the lack of public restrooms, but also the famous "breaking of the seal" physiological response to having consumed lots of beer.

Actually, I have no idea whether this response is psychological or whether it actually has some physiological basis, but I do know that no matter how long I've been doing 18 oz curls, after I take an initial potty break, I have to pee like every half an hour thereafter. This becomes very cumbersome if I'm sitting on the inside of a booth, or worse if I happen to be unaccompanied at the time by nought but lots of shopping bags.

So hats off to Brody for pointing out a pervasive public health concern for New Yorkers, but remember kids, for a truly great New York City pub crawl, Always Pee Where you Pay and Don't Break the Seal!