Jingle Balls

Julia Ward at TV Squad reports on the latest assault on Christmas by... Charlie Sheen? Come on! I laughed, giggled and guffawed my way through last week's highly irreverent Two and a Half Men Christmas episode. I'm beginning to think that the American Family Association, the organization that has called for an apology from CBS, has no sense of humor.

In the action alert on the AFA's web site, they claim that "CBS and Sheen knew that the lyrics [to Sheen's revised Christmas carol] would greatly offend Christians, but did not hesitate to air them." Somehow, I seriously doubt that these lyrics

“Joy to the world, I’m getting laid; I’m getting laid tonight.
We’ll light the yule log, deck the halls, and then we’ll play some jingle balls.
It’s been a real long wait – this is our second date!
It’s Christmas Eve and I’m getting laid.”

were flagged by Standards and Practices as offensive to Christians... and I think that we all know from watching Studio 60 what Standards and Practices thinks will offend Christians.

If anything from that episode was questionable, it might have been the subplot of Jake, Charlie's ten-year-old nephew, getting wasted on eggnog and throwing up in the car on the way to Grandma's house. I mean, doesn't underage drinking pose a much greater threat to American Family Values than some re engineered Christmas carol!

I guess I don't understand American Family Values at all. If revising Christmas carols and relabeling "Christmas Sales" as "Holiday Sales" are what is really destroying the American family, I think I'll just hole up in the godless city of New York and spike all the minors' drinks at the next Holiday party.

And, for all you other irreverent family values destroyers, here are some alternative lyrics to favorite Christmas carols. Though they're most popular with the 8-10 demographic, I still find them highly amusing. Merry Christkwanzakuh! -Flygal

(to the tune of We Three Kings)

We three kings of Orient are
Smoking on a rubber cigar
It was loaded and exploded

We two kings of Orient are...

(to the tune of Joy to the World)

Joy to the World!
The teacher's dead
We barbecued her head!

What happened to her body?
We flushed it down the potty
And around and around it goes,
And around and around it goes,
And around and around and around it goes!

(to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Douse the halls with gasoline
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la
Light a match and watch it gleam
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la
Burn the school house down to ashes
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la
Aren't you glad you played with matches?
Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la